It was something I did not want to admit to myself for a very long time because it made me feel so guilty. I mean I've been through it all and my experience was not that bad so naturally, I thought that I would gladly want to go through it all again and it would be all sunshine and roses for me but that is so not the case.
Hello my loves, I know it has been ages since I last posted anything but life has been a rollercoaster of events and I've just been trying to stay on top of it all but I do hope that you are all well and staying safe at home.
It seems that baby number two and the coronavirus are the topics to every conversation I have lately. Usually, my response to this is that I would like to complete my studies and that having two kids would make it so much harder, or that Adeena is too little and that I just want to enjoy time with her for now or that we just not financially there yet but lately I have realized that even though those are very true and very valid reasons for me I am actually secretly terrified of going through it all again.
It was something I did not want to admit to myself for a very long time because it made me feel so guilty. I mean I've been through it all and my experience was not that bad so naturally, I thought that I would gladly want to go through it all again and it would be all sunshine and roses for me but that is so not the case. It wasn't until a month or two ago when my period was a few days late ( my rational self knew that I was not pregnant my irrational self had sleepless nights and a series of panic attacks) that I realized just how afraid I was.
Now don't get me wrong I would love to have another baby, the thought of Adeena being an older sister to another little bundle of joy really just warms my soul. Becoming a mom has been one of the greatest blessings in my life but it is still so hard for me to shake away these fears.
Right now my only consolation is that I have some time to try and work through all these feelings since another baby is not part of the plan. I have no idea how I'm going to do that as yet but I guess that accepting it and speaking about it is a step in the right direction.
"You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step"
Much love my Britzie’s XOXO
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